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Real Time: Tuesday, 15th January 2019:

As I am typing this, I am at work, seated comfortably and thinking about how I should get back to blogging, technically I have. It has been a long 3 years urmm… I do not know if I should call it a break or a breather, but how can you take a breather from something you have an interest in? Anyway, I am back and that is all that matters. I took some time to read what I used to blog about back from 2015 to 2016, was cringing a bit but it’s alright. & oh, the motivation to start a blog was; an enormous amount of weight I lost and from chest-paining, I had just broken up with a guy that I thought I was going to get married to (haha), we were in an on and off 5 year toxic relationshit, yes you read correct, not a typo. Still in touch with him and surprisingly so, we are such cool peoples now I must say.

When I was 16/17 years old, I came up with an idea to start a local teenage newspaper/magazine around my hood back at home in 2003. I hooked up 2 of my friends to make this a reality and, yes my newspaper was a success for as long as it existed. You can imagine the content, it was not arranged in any order whatsoever, you’d page through into some random news, who is dating who, the top 5 most fashionable and marvelously, we did write about motivational stories now and then… You know what, I will write an entire Episode dedicated to my newspaper as a kid. Anyway, my point of bringing this up is that I have always had this on and off muse for creativity/entertainment as a whole, something involving the masses, the public, whether it is to entertain them through writing any random ish or something of that nature, you get what I mean. So after the break-up, I resorted to something that I know makes me feel good about myself, which is writing, sharing whatever is happening around, life experiences bladibla… BUT then I haven’t been loyal hey, immediately when I healed from the break-up, I stopped blogging, why? Eish. Maybe I used it as escapism during that time, forgetting that that is actually what I love doing and I do it effortlessly. So yeah, I guess this is the return of a lost child.

Oh well, I am a QA-Quality Assurance Rep (at the moment), how I got this job and position that I am doing well at (that is a very interesting story for another day) is that I needed to re-focus, re-evaluate… I needed a temporary and delicate distraction from my life that was not really making sense, it would make sense for a while but would go back to zero, unfold and fold, fold and unfold, I felt like I was progressing but not progressing at the same time, things were just not really connecting the way I wanted them to, so I desperately needed some sort of ”distractor”, change of scenario, I was yearning for new environments, wanted to meet new people, just experience a new world.

One can ask; Was I running away from pushing harder where I already was? Anyway, I decided what I decided and I had a very peaceful 2018. There was a time I even forgot how it felt like being overwhelmed and anxious. Of course, I experienced mishaps here and there. One, I was involved in a car accident in June around 03:00 am driving to Mc Donalds ’cause I was hungry. My family found it very hard to believe that story. Anyway, I lost balance while attempting to make a turn at a curve (I was so hungry that I did not even have time to step on the brakes at a curve), hit a pole and the car overturned. I was trapped in until a car passing by stopped to rescue me, they found me proper chilling waiting for them. Two, I had an awful and dreadful birthday month ever, it was really bad, like bad, including losing a best friend I grew up with since diapers to leukemia. I could write a book or produce a series about just that October month and call it just that ”The October Month”. But nonetheless, I had a very peaceful and nonchalant 2018 and of course, doing very well at my job, I am grateful. Anyway, the fall of 2018 was when I knew that, okay girl, I think your ”peace” (being my comfort zone) has come to an expiry date, what’s your next move ’cause your journey does not and cannot end here?

I have started the new year, 2019 with a bang! This was such a sudden change of mind, on the contrary, a great whim. I know I mentioned a few seconds ago that I had somewhat thought about my next move but, it was just that, a thought with no solid idea whatsoever. Again, on the contrary to the contrary, this shift gradually developed after reading a mini book that was released on Christmas day called How To Live With Intention & Actually Achieve Your Goals. The title is a bit super cheesy, right? I was like, yet another book to tell us how to live our lives and what to do to blabla.. what made it more cheeser was the fact that it was written by someone I know on a personal level and, it was a bit weird to have to read a BOOK that is written by someone I know. I am used to reading books of people who I don’t even know how they look like and chances of me meeting these ”great” people are like a zero to a minus zero, most of them are old and shit. Anyway, here is a snippet of the book;

‘‘If this year was bad, then next year would probably be the same. And

that is because most times, people just move from year to year with

vague ideas of what they want to achieve. And then they kind of just

expect or hope for things to happen. “Oh, this year was a wash, but

next year man, I’m going to do great things. Next year will be my

year! I’m going to get that job, make that money, build that business,

write that book, etc. the promise of a new year, is a fresh start and a

fresh beginning.” But like I’ve written before, if you have not been

working according to a plan and steadily taking action towards your

goals, next year is probably just going to be more of the same, or

even worse.” – Otoabasi Bassey

Here is a link to the book: https://otoabasibassey.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/How-to-live-with-intention-and-actually-achieve-your-goals.pdf

I realized that this has been me, oh my word, It is that truth that you don’t want to hear, the truth that you want to run away from, I have been running and running and covering up with more new things each new year. When it got real, I would switch to something new to do, all the freaken time. I have been touching here and there and leaving, starting things and leaving them halfway. So what now? How do I un-prezel this habit? How and what do I choose and set as precedence? Mind you, I have been doing well, I tried but, when it was time to really push in hard, I would ”run”, I just subconsciously refused to stick it through, that is the best way I can explain it. Every year I would fall for an incredible craze, well thought out and shit but of course, I would leave this craze half-way and anyway, it was just a “craze” that was not nurtured and it was eventually going to fade.🤷🏾‍♀ I have been a runner all my adult life, without realizing. This is toxic.

Okay, going back to starting the year, 2019 with a bang! Well, previous years, I have been spending my New Years Eve at church thinking that my year will run smooth and blow up but hey that has not been the case, I had put so much reliance on a false hope and notion that hey, I spent my 31st of December in church, so I shall flourish!!! What an insidious way of life I have been living.

Oh well so here is what happened and what is going on, I had to reflect and think deeply about adjusting a lot of things; bad habits that consist of being a lazy bum to finish off great things I begin so enthusiastically, getting destructed so easily, not having a clear vision and goal, not writing (literally) down anything that is important in my life, living so unconsciously towards my vision and thinking that going to church on New Year’s eve will ”save” me. I even adopted and chose the easy way out by saying that Purpose is overrated, I was bullshitting and poisoning my mind.

1st week of January 2019, I deactivated/logged off er’thang!!! Well, I started gradually, FaceBook, WhatsApp followed after a day or 2, Instagram.. the hardest I must say was Twitter, I love that app. Cool, social media down and done! That has been the biggest distraction of my adult life.

I value having a good body (and having a good body equals to living a healthy life), it is and has always been an obsession at times. I know that this requires a lot of sacrifice, struggle and pain (that I have been running from), so I finally chose my struggle, which is going back to healthy living, working out, inspiring myself and others. Guess what? It is January and I am broke, so what do I do, wait for payday which is 31st January or make a plan? Procrastinate, make excuses or start now? In the meantime, I have no money to join the gym (this can be a nice excuse for me to repeat what I have been doing all these years).

Well, my 1st thought was, I have dumbbells and a training mat that my ex left for me when he relocated to Germany, that boyfriend of mine who I thought we were going to get married, the on and off 5 year relationshit, yes that one. My 2nd thought was, I am paying for such a fairly large space so let me make use of it, my crib. So I started downloading workout videos; boxing, strength, yoga, pilates, e.t.c. and made a commitment that, I will train/exercise relentlessly and religiously like I have never before. The first week was deadly (yet another story for another day). I am eating clean and drinking a lot of water, like a lot, which I normally don’t. I have been praying, connecting with my Creator. I have been reading and reading and I am addicted now, I have become such a voracious reader. I read regardless of wherever I am, my daily bread. I have been thinking and writing, every day.

I, I, I… I realize that I have typed a lot of ”I’s” ’cause I have switched up the focus, the energy, the time, the effort, the potential, the worth on myself. Let us just say, Boitumelo has been unleashed. All that matters and all I know is that I have started 2019 as conscious as I possibly can be. My priorities are intact, this is my spiritual journey, self-empowerment through praying, adjusting to change, analyzing my habits, unlearning and learning, indulging in reading, writing, weaning off distractions such as social media and TV, bit by bit and being CONSISTENT.

May each and every one of you have a fruitful 2019 🙂

”Don’t just sit there. Do something. The answers will follow”. – Mark Manson.

To be continued…