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Real Time: Wednesday, 16th January 2019.

”After this realization now, what do you wanna do?” my best friend asked after reading my last post.

I liked this question so much cause it goes back to the day I chose and decided to dispatch my unconscious values, the day I chose and decided that I am going to live by this for the rest of my life, CONSISTENCY. Consistency is my realization, it is what I have been battling with my entire life. Unfortunately, anything without consistency cannot be cultivated, nothing will manifest.there

My parents really tried. When I was about 4-5 years old, my mother took me to ballet classes and I killed it! Until I started experiencing cramps on my knees, I do have flashbacks on that but had no idea or understood the seriousness of my condition. I remember just stopping attending classes and, I went through a series of confusion. This affected me actually as a kid, psychologically.

Pushing up years later, when I was 11 turning 12 years old, I got accepted into a multiracial school from a public ”blacks only” school. The new school had extra murals such as violin, piano and yes the PIANO caught my attention. I was so fond of this uniquely designed instrument, performed fairly well each time. These were some of many of my interests of showing potential as a kid but unfortunately, were not nurtured nor well thought out when I had to change schools for High School, a school that had no extra murals, this meant that I was going to lose out on a chance to pursue piano any further to see what could have happened.

Pushing up years later, age 16/17 years old I was a founder of a very successful teenage newspaper/magazine in my hood, (previously mentioned in my last post blog). To cut the long story short, I just stopped without any solid reason, oh no wait, my reason was that ”I am going to Matric/Grade 12 next year, so I want to focus”. I was already old enough here and at this point, I chose to exit on my own. Consistency never loved me, remember.

Pushing up years later, now I am an adult. After High School, I left home to move to this big city, Johannesburg city of Gold they call it. I did Photography for a few months and left it (& not a lot of my friends know this), went to a film school (majoring in Motion Picture; Editing, Directing & Script Writing) and yes I quit. I quit so many things, actually I quit everything. Didn’t this behaviour develop from when I was just a little girl and just leaving everything half way? Could that be it?

About a year ago, my mom sat me down, started telling me that she has noticed this behaviour of mine of starting and leaving things. ”You remind me of my young self”, she said. ”I was exactly like you, I had all these great ideas, would start and not finish. I did this all my life, I do not want you to end up like me, please baby-girl fix this.” I say this again, my parents tried, my mother to be specific. She went through the extra lengths to provide for us, at her utmost best, almost everything we wanted and needed. My dad (may his soul rest in peace) also tried man, in his weird ways – a story for the next Episode, stay put.

‘‘After this realization now, what do you wanna do?” my best friend asked after reading my last post. This was my response:

”I am going to continue doing what I have started doing, I’ve been touching here and there my whole existence, I needed to sit down and draw attention to just 1 main thing I actually want to do and actually practical.
I was once a DJ amongst a million other things, like Mike Manson says in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck (and mati/friend you have mentioned it as well actually), Mark said that as a kid he wanted to be a Rock star, but never thought of the PAIN there is to go through in being a Rock star. He only saw himself on stage, he only wanted the end result. Until he was an adult and realized that actually, I don’t want to be a Rock star. You said to me that, you wanted to be an actress/famous/be on TV. But you realized that actually, you were doing it for the wrong reasons, you wanted to be known, loved and desired. So you didn’t really have a burning passion for it and you stopped and started doing what you actually love which is fashion blogging and everything else of that nature. So I have chosen my pain and struggle because it is the only way I can find happiness, freedom and success. This time off my phone (social media) has tremendously helped me reflect back and face the music, I am facing my demon and dealing with him”. This is my Realization. My Precedence.

People are scared to dream big, people are scared to trust in themselves, people are scared to commit, people are scared of rejection and failure and in return would rather avoid setting long term goals (even short term goals) and structuring their lives. People choose to just take what life throws at them because that is the ”safest” option – this is not a fulfiling life, it will close off the gap only for so long until sudden feelings of depression creep in.

The day you decide to surrender, the day you decide to seek the truth about yourself and life, I promise you that you will be happier than you will be confused.

To be continued…