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Real Time: Friday, 18th January 2019:

”Don’t confuse activity with productivity”, my Pastor, Pastor Ray MacCauley said. Self-explanatory isn’t it? I guess you’ll grasp it only if you’re conscious enough.

I had “activated” instead of producing my life. Activity will inefficiently keep you busy and thus resulting in no growth, productivity is efficiently being busy and actually nurturing growth. Wish my young self knew this, wish I had caught it very early in life. But had I caught it early in life, I do not think that I would be writing about it at this present moment for someone desperately needing this to hear it. Everything happens for a reason.

By this time, it had been over a year since I dropped out of Film school (story for another day, it is much deeper than that), still with no action plan on site. This year (2008) was the year that a lot of my friends were graduating, some were already busy with internships. I was aware that I had remained behind and this was never the plan, what I was not aware of was that I had been busy with activities instead of producing. This started affecting my confidence and a place in my friend’s lives was threatened but, this was just my own insecurities, I have awesome friends!!! A guy I was in a relationship with at the time even lost interest, he was a Civil Engineer student so yah. He couldn’t deal with someone who was so undecided I presume. I want to name drop so bad, okay his name is… nah it’s cool.

My mother used to annoyingly say to me that, if I can just set my vision and goals straight, if I can just chase my potentials as relentlessly as I chase things of the world, I would be far. This used to annoy me so much my word, rolling eyes. I don’t think that I understood what she meant, I did not even try to understand. I had an empty idea in a hopeless place that things will eventually work out, but then how when I was not putting enough effort? Was really living in my own bubble. This is what Mark Manson means when he says that people feel entitled to shit that they are not willing to work hard for. I had so much trauma happen to me during my teenage years and allowed this to make me feel like the world owes me something – self-imprisonment, self-pity.

Hey, I had always been on the right track, this I know. I just seemed to lose the plot somewhere along the way, would just make a detour avoiding to stick it through and push harder. I knew this, there were days when I’d admit and tell my best friend that “actually I am just lazy, idling. I can do so much better” – but unfortunately, this overpowered everything, my dreams, vision, goals and purpose, my awesomeness, my greatness…

Was listening to ”Lucid Dreams” – Juice Wrld on repeat today. The lyrics interpret my thoughts about how I gave into the world and forgot to LIVE. He is talking about a girl that broke his heart, I am talking about the life that broke (almost) me.

”I still see your shadows in my room, can’t take back the love that I gave you. It’s to the point where I love and I hate you, and I cannot change you, so I must REPLACE you. Easier said than done, I thought you were the ONE, listening to my heart instead of my head. You found another one, but I am the better one, I won’t let you forget me. Leave this shit in the PAST, but I wanted to last, you were made outta plastic, FAKE. I was TANGLED up in your drastic ways, who knew evil girls had the prettiest face. You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes, I gave you my heart and you made my HEARTBREAK. You made my heart break, you made my heart ache.”  

Link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzB1VGEGcSU

Time waits for no one. Time is precious. Time goes hand in hand with CONSISTENCY. Do what you gotta do and do it well, you have no one to answer to but yourself. Either you gonna do something great AF or don’t do it at all!!!

We are all recovering from something.

To be continued…