Real Time: Saturday, 2nd February 2019.
Since I have gotten back to work, it has been so crazy. I need to now squeeze reading, writing and working out when I get home. I read and wrote while on my leave, that consumed 90% of my time, that is basically all I did. If I start writing whilst at work, I tend to neglect my work, I noticed this the 1st few days before taking off for my leave. I need to make new adjustments and re-schedule. But the thing with writing is, it has no timing, I can feel like writing whilst driving, I’d feel that I need to park by the sideway and write, I once woke up in the middle of the night to write. It’s insanely beautiful.
Yesterday, was a Friday, 1st of February, resumed work after 13 days of self-reflection amongst other insanely beautiful discoveries. Made time to catch up with my colleagues who are also friends. One deep conversation that hit deep was with my friend about how women are able to lose themselves unaware, more especially around a man they like or love. My friend who has parted ways with a man he has been with for close to a decade shared this with me:
Paraphrasing: ”I was just too solid, I was this ”wife” that wanted everything to be perfect in the house, he knows that he would find the food ready for him, every day. What I missed is to be completely myself with him, I only gave him the ”good” side of me, I deprived him an opportunity and the chance to know the goofy side of me, the crazy and goofy side I show freely when I am with you guys my friends. I was scared to say ”NO” to him, I was scared of what this would do to our relationship, I was scared that he would leave me. Now he went outside the relationship to find the ”other side” of me. My friend said.
This shit does not work!!!
I had goosebumps throughout her entire confiding conversation, my heart was beating heavily ’cause I knew exactly what she was talking about. This is the most common truth and women are still yet too oblivious towards this behaviour, a whole lot. It is like we have been brainwashed and conditioned that you should act a certain way with a man you like or love, we try too hard and in return we lose who we are, we lose our identity over a relationship, this can happen with any sort of relationship, whether it’d be a crowd that you’re in, just trying to keep up a facade. This is such a fatal death while still breathing and living.
I know this of myself as well, the minute I start to like a boy it’s like I forget who I am. I want him to see Beyoncé, I want him to see superwoman, I want him to see the coolest chick ever, I want him to see how smart I am, I want to make him see that I am different…killing myself in the process.
My friend realized this with a relationship that she is currently in. She told me how natural and flowing this new relationship is, how she realized that she effortlessly still remains herself around her man. She exhausted that other ”perfect side” so much that she does not “care” anymore, she just wants to be. Take me exactly as I am or fuck off.
Being human and more especially a woman is an everyday battle. We did not choose to be woman, we came in this world with fixed ”terms and conditions” of how a woman should behave, an unrealistic social quo and destroyer of existence. This is so unfortunate for many of the women, there are women who do GET IT early that fuck this shit, I am going to be myself, if you’re going to leave me ’cause you think I am loud, then bye Felicia.
Being completely honest, I am still struggling with this but I will get there fully. All I know is that I have lost a friendship and a relationship ’cause I decided to completely speak out and be myself.
To avoid surprising people, be yourself from the word go, it is insanely beautiful…
”It takes a long time to fully become who you are”. Björk
To be continued…